Love the Grey!

In my 20’s I went to bed around 2-3am…

In my 30’s that changed to 11pm-12am…

In my 40’s I’m lucky to stay up to 10pm…

Tonight… it’s past my bedtime and I’m barely making the deadline for the #SOL entry today. Yet knowing I committed to writing every day this month and taking part in this challenge I knew I had to pull my computer out to make it happen.
So here, I write, past my bedtime knowing that tomorrow morning will come soon and another day will begin. Ending my day with writing is starting to become a habit even though my eyes are droopy and tired. Thankful for this nudge into writing and glad to join this community. I now need to be better at reading what others are writing (but I am always so tired when I sit down to write) yet planning to spend time this weekend losing myself in others words.

Now, it’s time for bed.

I’m an educator. I love working with kids. I love working with adults. I have a passion for facilitating conversations and asking questions that help people consider how we might better serve our kids. I enjoy systems thinking. I fell in love with education but that is not all that I do…

I’m a fitness coach and instructor. I am obsessed with working out. It gives me energy to sustain my lifestyle – to work as an educator and to be a wife, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. I love to share what I do and motivate others in their health journey. I fell in love with fitness but that is not all I do…

I’m an advocate for equity and inclusion. I believe we need to work toward breaking down barriers and honoring the lives and voices of others. That we need to make space for others to share their stories and tell their truth. We need to work toward eliminating systemic racism. I believe in helping others learn and grow in order to do this work – that it doesn’t happen overnight – it happens through conversation. I fell in love with advocating for others but that is not all I do…

I look at these three areas of passion for me and I think, “I don’t fit the mold of what an administrator should be.” What administrator also teaches fitness classes while facilitating a podcast series and trying to write everyday? This does not align with what society says administrators do. This is not normal.

Yet, it has taken me years to recognize that there is no normal. That this may not be the image I had in my head of what someone in my role does, yet it is the image that I am creating because I am following my areas of passion. I am taking time to do the things I love and the one thing they all have in common is helping others.

So… yes I am a curriculum director who strives to motivate others – at work or in the workout room. And yes, a curriculum director can also be an a fitness instructor and while doing all of that can advocate for equity in the spaces she resides.

Stop painting a picture of what life “should” be like and paint the picture of what life is like for you. Take “should” out of your vocabulary. Be you. Find joy in your passion. Make it happen.

Binary thinking.

This OR That. Yes OR No. Right OR Wrong. Black OR White. Blue OR Red.

All of these simplify life, ignoring the nuances and complexity of the world we live in.

Binary thinking.

Narrow minded. Limited perspective. Short sighted. Not flexible.

All of these are barriers to opening up a world we never even knew existed.

Binary thinking.

Problematic. Scary. Dangerous.

All of these feelings cause us to hide from the possibilities.

Binary thinking.

Serves no one well. Be open to the myriad of ideas. Be curious and learn.

Good bye binary thinking… open up to the world and love the grey!

Staring at the screen for 30 minutes

Why is this so hard?

Finding something to say should be easy.

Yet, today nothing feels easy.

It’s more than just the words on the page.

It’s the words in the book of life that make this so tricky.

Our book, our chapter right now is not how we would have written it.

Our pages are steeped in sadness as the Pandemic lingers.

This is not what we wanted to say, yet it will be okay. It will be okay.

Sometimes life is so hectic that you don’t make time for the things you love. Well, you make time for some of them but not all of them. And that’s okay… ebbs and flows exist in life and dancing in coordination with that movement is important if we are to move forward.

Well, one of the things for me that has fallen to the side for me is taking time to write. I love writing yet it is the last thing on my mind when I’m trying to do a million things at work, get my workouts in (fitness is another love of mine) and then spending time with my husband, family, and friends. Writing is one of those things that I say I will come back to and do someday… I dream of writing more and sharing more. I have lofty goals to blog more regularly (you will see how NOT successful that has been for me) yet barriers exist and I think well I’ll do it tomorrow, or next weekend, or next month, or maybe next year.

So when the Slice of Life Challenge came along this year, I decided not to be someone watching others write, I will join and commit to writing each day in March. Can I make it happen? I’ve been able to hop on the treadmill for the past 8 weeks every morning before work – new habit created. So now it’s time to focus on the habit of writing – because much like my workouts, writing brings me joy and comfort. It helps me reflect, make meaning in life, and just live in my story.

So, yes, writing everyday. I can do this – signed up yesterday and then today happened. All day happened. I hopped in bed, pulled out my computer to do some work, and saw the email. I almost missed the first day. Thoughts ran through my head… maybe I shouldn’t do this. What if I can’t commit. But, yes, I will commit.

So I read the directions, log into word press, see about 5 unfinished posts but decided today I just write about not writing and wanting to write (I will finish those posts later as a part of this challenge). Today is the soft start to my writing journey. Today is when I begin to put my thoughts out there. Today is the day I write. Today is the day I start to build a habit.

Thank you to the Slice of Life challenge for the nudge – the one that I needed to bring writing back into my life.

“I have no words today. I just don’t. I don’t know what to say.”

As I walked in my neighborhood this evening, this is what I just kept saying (I’m sure the neighbors were wondering why I was talking to myself). I then took time to think. Why is this so hard? Why can’t I find the words to share my emotions right now?

Then I realized, I can’t find the words because as a white women I recognize my privilege. I know that I can walk most public places and no one is going to think something bad of me. I know that I can walk most public places and feel safe. Then it resonated with me. A truth that I already knew, but hit hard today. I can do that but my husband can’t. My husband, a black man, does not have the same luxury because we live in a society that is built on racism and everyday we see how racism exists in our current structures. I then realized that I was scared. Not the same scared as a black man who is pulled over by a police officer or the black woman who is fearful of her child being out of her sight. But scared. I am scared that my husband, who runs regularly, could be out exercising – breathing in the fresh air and someone see him, make assumptions and then he would be gone. I am scared for my husband. I don’t know how to say it, but I am no longer the naive white girl from Franklin who sees everything as roses and sunshine. The reality is that the man I love could be mistaken at anytime as “someone else” based on the biases another holds and then he will no longer be there. That makes me fearful.

As I think about the shooting in Georgia of Ahmaud Arbery and then the shooting of Dreasjon Reed, a young black man in Indy, just last night, by the police; I am angry. I am mad. I am wondering when all of this will end. When will we rewrite history so that racism no longer exists? And then I’m reminded of a professor once who said, “Jennifer, as a country we are young – we will not learn until we fall and have to rebuild.” Sometimes I think she’s right and perhaps had hope in the trauma of COVID-19 that this could be our countries reboot – but how do we re-imagine freedom that everyone has access to when violence is happening disproportionately to black males? And I should add innocent black males. This is where I get angry. Every person has a story and their story should not be abruptly ended by someone else. Their story deserves to be lived and told. And this is why I was at a loss for words all day today and didn’t feel like doing much. A story of an Indianapolis black man was ended last night. This young man was the son of someone I knew. This caused my mind to wander and think about the man I lay next to every night. I simply could not think about how to post or share my anger – my emotions – my hurt – my pain because although I was feeling this way, I know many others were feeling the pain even more.

We all have an enormous responsibility to work toward a more just society and to purposefully be anti-racist. We as a country can no longer claim that we don’t see color because that is denying one’s identity and it is saying that racism does not exist (and operating in a white dominant narrative). We do not improve by ignoring what is wrong. Instead we name it and work on it. Therefore, let’s name the racist structures that exist in the areas that we serve and start working on them. Then, and only then, will we start seeing more peace and reconciliation in our spaces and see the violence and injustice start to decrease.

Tomorrow morning I will wake up and run 2.23 miles for Ahmaud Arbery. Please join me and post #IRunWithMaud. Let’s show how our collective support can make a difference.

Happy New Year! It is hard to believe another decade has passed. These years have brought me joy, sadness, laughter, pain, good times and bad, yet most of all these years, especially the last couple of years, have brought me to understand how to love myself more. I have spent many years trying to find that happy balance in life when in reality it doesn’t exist. Instead, loving me and others is the best I can do and I am taking time today to think about the first – how to continue to love myself in 2020. This is not selfish, as part of loving myself is being part of a community and loving others, yet today’s focus will be “me in 2020.”

So… New Year, New You? Heck no! I love who I am and who I have become and look forward to who I will be. So this year will be a year of renewal: thinking about how to continue to love myself in the midst of the myriad of responsibilities in life. I am dedicated to my husband, my family, my friends, Noblesville Schools, Noblesville Diversity Coalition, Collaborate.Lead. Coach., Studio G Fitness, BGR Indy! (the list could go on). My passions lie in education and fitness and I continuously try to see how these two worlds operate for me and also collide with one another. Amongst all of this – life happens. We experience ups and downs. Trauma occurs. We respond to that trauma in positive and negative ways. When looking at the daily calendar – it can all feel overwhelming which can then lead to unhealthy habits. Then there is that idea of time… there is never enough time yet time is all we have, so it comes to prioritizing, living life, and making the best of life in the moment. When I reflect on all of this I see how much time and effort I put into into others which is why I have to also focus on me. We are on this earth to be in relationships but we cannot be in those relationships if we do not put our wellness first.

Full transparency: I have done a pretty decent job of putting my wellness in the forefront, yet I have fallen at times. Specifically, this last year and a half has been hard. Life happened. Two traumatic events occurred within 6 months that zapped my energy.  When this happened, I turned to food and friends for comfort. Notice, I put food first. My time with friends was always therapeutic yet it almost always included meeting for food and/or drink. Habits that I had thought were way in my past crept back up and now, 30 pounds later, I realize I cannot continue to turn to food. I need to rebuild the habits I had maintained previously for over two years. I not only fell off the wagon with food, I slacked with strength training, I stopped reading and writing as much, and I found myself at times wanting to do absolutely nothing – fighting this feeling inside of me that just wouldn’t go away. Though this sounds negative, it is not. It is part of life. I am choosing today to embrace the past and present and to move forward, realizing I can make choices that make a difference and show love for myself.

So today, I’m making a commitment to love myself by…

Prioritizing my own wellness – mentally. Often when we think about wellness, we think about physical activity – which is important yet this is something that I enjoy – it’s how I stay sane, so this will remain a focus yet, the mental aspect of making a change in nutrition is hard and often hard to do alone. Therefore, I am loving myself by committing to an 8 week challenge at Studio G that will help me find my way back to the healthy habits I once lived by. I know what to do, yet it takes mental fortitude to make it happen. I need help thinking through the work (meal planning, strength training, cardio plan, sleep, etc) again and how to prioritize it. I find that when I do this with others, it holds me more responsible to myself and also allows me to connect with those that are participating. By finding a community to grow alongside with, I am loving myself into a healthy lifestyle.

Scheduling time for doing what I love. I’m sure you are like me, there are things you love to do and say, “if I only I had more time I would do that more.” Well, we won’t have more time in the day so we have to think about how we use that time. I’m sure this is a reminder for many of us because we’ve heard it before. So my commitment is to take 30 minutes every Sunday to sit down and schedule in time during the upcoming week for doing what I love. Yes, this will mean scheduling intentional time with my husband, family, and friends. It will mean scheduling time to read and write. I will schedule our travel plans. It will mean being proactive and that I will at times be discouraged that I have to schedule it, yet reality is that if it is not scheduled then time can be wasted away not doing much. Now I will schedule in a couple of what I call “lazy days” a month on the weekend where my husband and I just do what comes to mind and not live by a schedule. By scheduling what is most important, I am loving myself through the things I love.

Being present in the moment. A good friend recently gave me a word of advice to just live in the moment and be fully present. I work hard to do this while at work, yet not sure I do this very well when I think about my time outside of work. I can often be sitting right next to my husband, but mentally am thinking about everything I have to do. I can be with friends and my mind wanders to the tasks I have to get done before my 7:30am meeting tomorrow. If my mind is somewhere else, then I am not living in the moment. Therefore, I’m planning to work on mindfulness practices that can help me breathe and return to living in the moment when my mind starts to wander. The tasks will always be there but the people we love and serve will not. Spending time and being fully present with others will give me energy for the other work I need to do. By living in the moment and being present I am loving myself into strong relationships. 

I could continue to write more because there are many other ways to love yourself. I wonder, how will you, in 2020, love yourself? What will you do to prioritize your wellness?

Who am I? I am a white woman, wife, aunt, educator, writer, reader, fitness instructor, runner, and… the list goes on. Yet today I want to focus on one aspect. I am a white woman and until recently I didn’t realize how much being white has clouded my view of the world. And I say this as a woman who is married to a black man and has many friends of different ethnicities. I also say this being someone who has studied “whiteness” in education; critically reviewed my own work for racial bias; had implicit bias training; advocates for equity in the school system; and more. I am as Dolly Chugh would say, a believer. I have a lot of knowledge base about my whiteness and it has influenced my thinking yet until recently reading Chugh’s book: How to Fight Bias- The Person You Mean to Be, attending the undoing racism workshop and the work we have been doing with the Noblesville Diversity Coalition, I am finally starting to understand how to become a “builder” and take action. There is so much I could write and I will write yet first must say that I am being vulnerable right now. I know everything I say in this blog will not be “right” but it is my attempt at being “good-ish” (thanks for this terminology Dolly) and knowing that it’s better to try (to start putting my thoughts out there) than it is to do nothing. So, after reflecting on ideas that have been swirling around in my head here are a few “at first I thought but now I know entries…”

At first I thought I was not racist but now I know that I am a part of a system that perpetuates racism. This is not something that I asked for yet it is a reality. In the beginning, we identified by culture. There was no “black or white or brown” – difference between people was acknowledged in various laws in the 1600’s and in the late 1600’s the classification of “white” came about. From there, our system continues to oppress people of color and sadly I am part of that system.

At first I thought I learned about history in school but now I know that I had learned a narrow perspective of history – the one that makes America great – one we can celebrate. Yet, knowing that Columbus coming over and taking the land of the Native Americans and killing them does not give me pride in celebrating a holiday for him – so I don’t. Knowing that there are many narratives that I do not know but want to know has encouraged me to expand my readings to learn more and share more. Looking forward to reading Lies My Teacher Told Me by James Loewen and A People’s History of the United States along with A Young People’s History of the United States, both by Howard Zinn.

At first I thought that classism was equally troublesome as racism, yet now I know that racism is the acid that continues to corrode what America could be. Having experienced situational poverty and other adversity in life, I often feel as though I understand “the struggle” yet even my struggle has a “leg up” on others due to my white privilege. Yes, life is hard sometimes yet I can go places and not be followed. I’m not worried about not getting a job because I’m white. I’m not thinking about the cops pulling me over. There are so many luxuries that I inherited just because of the color of my skin (if you are not familiar with White Privilege, read Peggy McIntosh’s article, White Privilege: Unpacking the Knapsack). So, racism is an oppressor that then grows even more deep when other “isms” interconnect with racism.

At first I thought I was being an ally, but now I know to be an ally I need to learn more and do more. I need to be willing to listen to hear; be more aware of my actions and others in being inclusive; be supportive; and be willing to confront others when they say something. The system and culture is in place yet we have the power to look at what is in place and change it with our language. We have the power to show others within the various systems we operate what is acceptable and what is not. We have the power to make a difference. When Cornelius Minor spoke this summer at our CLC Summer Institute and challenged us to think about one small thing we do not like about the system, study it, do something about it, and reflect he helped many see, including myself, that we can start small and make a difference.

At first I though I could help “save” others (another faux pas of being white and in savior mode) yet now I know it’s not about saving the individual it’s about coming together to transform the system. I had a professor once that said, “You know that poem about saving the starfish. Yes, how great it is to save the starfish one-by-one but if you really want to make life better for the ocean you have to change the ocean.” Therefore, it is our system that needs work and we all have a moral responsibility as a part of this system to realize that we can influence it.

This is not perfect. This is where my thinking is now. I believe strongly in equity and realize that in order to become a builder I need to be willing to learn, grow, make mistakes, and lean on others. I also know that I need to speak up more in situations when someone says something that may be offensive or oppressive. I’m learning words to use in order to be more brave in this work. Finally, our words matter. I say this all the time, yet our words create our worlds (just saw this on a chart recently) and therefore, just changing the language of the system – the words we use and the way we talk with one another can be the impetus for transformation of culture. Semantics truly matters.

References:

Chugh, Dolly. 2018. How good people fight bias. The person you mean to be. Harper Collins Publishers. New York.

Loewen, James W. 2007. Lies my teacher told me: Everything your American history textbook got wrong. Touchstone. New York.

McIntosh, Peggy. 1989. White Privilege: Unpacking the invisible knapsack. Women’s International League for Peace and Freedom.

Zinn, Howard. (2007). A young people’s history of the United States. Harper Collins Publishers. New York.

Zinn, Howard. (2003). A people’s history of the United States. Seven Stories Press. New York.

I was chatting with a friend over pizza and wine tonight. As our educational conversations intersected with our past, I was reminded of what my father has always told me, “We come into this world with nothing and we leave this world with nothing.” This saying always makes me pause to think about our purpose. It is not about the material things we have. It is not about the money. It’s about the life we lead, and the people we love. A little about me (being totally vulnerable right now):

My first few years of life I lived in a trailer park. My favorite memory was standing outside and eating processed Kraft American cheese on the small little step right outside our door. We then moved to a much larger house near the country. It was beautiful. My memories are rich with celebrations and sorrows. Then one day, no house. No dad. We were homeless. Like that, life as I knew it was changed. We lived in our car a few days, slept in a couple motels and then landed at my aunt and uncles house where we stayed for awhile. I had two memorable moments from that time in my life that I don’t want to share, yet they were painful. It was hard to see the hurt that my mom experienced. It was hard to act like all was okay when it wasn’t.

Then, my dad was back in the picture. He “put us up” in a motel. We lived there for a while before moving into the apartment my mom currently lives in. We “lost” our car when I was in 5th grade (well it was taken away) and we walked everywhere. I don’t think I appreciated it then as I do now, but my mom wanted things to seem normal. She wanted us to appear as life was good but it was broken. You know the kind of broken you don’t talk about.

I made it through high school and then off to college. I worked my way through college – 4 nights a week and almost every Saturday. I was fortunate to have a job I loved – gymnastics coach. Our summer before our senior year my friends and I got an apartment. I could only afford that and my car payments. That summer we ate a lot of Ramen noodles and peanut butter sandwiches. I will always remember the one and only evening we treated ourselves to Steak-N-Shake.

From there I’ve had my ups and downs when it comes to money yet I’m always reminded of what my dad says: “you come into this world with nothing and leave with nothing.” Therefore, I consider every bit of my life a treasure. We had difficulties yes, but we had love. Love that was so strong that it held us together (even when we were apart). Love that was so strong that even after all we had experienced and the hurt we put one another through, we could move past it and remain in contact. Family|Blood|Matters.

Whenever I begin to stress, I remind myself of what my dad says and it all makes sense. You don’t have to give a lot. It’s not about the material things, it’s about the love you show; yet when you do have the means to give – you might as well do so because we do not take our material things with us when we leave. We do not take our money with us. Share your wealth with others rather it is spiritual, material, relational, etc. – it all makes a difference… and remember how you affect others is what lives in memory. What you have doesn’t.

“We come into this world with nothing. We leave this world with nothing.” Knowing this, what will be your imprint on life?

Believe into being is a phrase that I have chosen to live by since I began my career in education. When we believe in others we have the power to influence actions. You see, our identity, who we are, has been built over the years. We have layers and layers of experiences that have impacted us in some way. Frank Smith (2006) writes, “Personal identity is not something that we find by looking at ourselves in the mirror, nor is it given to us by the efforts and opinions of others. Identity is constructed from the way others influence the way we behave and see ourselves. We learn from the company we keep, and the greatest learning is generated by our perception of the way other people see us” (91). Knowing that our “learning is generated by our perception of the way other people see us” it is time to start thinking about how, in education, the identities we influence in and out of the classroom are crucial. We influence our young learners, their families, and our colleagues. Therefore, it is important to think about how our language matters and that one of our goals in education should be to believe in others – the children and families we serve as well as our colleagues. With this said, we need to change the rhetoric in education. We need to start thinking about how we approach everything with a growth mindset (Dweck, 2007). This is a journey that my colleagues and I have been on over the past few years. How do we change our language to truly help those we work with (both children and adults) build a positive identity and have strong self-efficacy?

I’m sitting at my desk (a few months after writing the above paragraph) and I’m thinking about the Title I meeting that we have tomorrow – thinking about the questions that need to be grappled with in order to consider how we are best serving our children. Our school system is truly a gem, yet like any systems, we have work to do. We are constantly thinking about how to move forward in our work and challenge one another so that we can do what’s best for kids. It’s why I love working here and yet it is hard. It’s hard to think about how programming might look differently when it means change. Let’s face it, change is hard. It takes time.

We have been on a journey in the past 4 years to operate from the growth mindset mentioned earlier – that’s our vision… working from strengths… thinking about how our language impacts children and one another. Yet, putting that into practice is difficult. Why? Because we know what we know and how we’ve done it in the past. It’s why that change is slow and takes time. We honor where educators are and we nudge one another forward (Thank you Matt Glover for always reminding us of the power of a “nudge”). It’s thinking through how our language builds the system.

That’s why I’m excited about tomorrow. Often times, Title I is portrayed in a negative way. Language about children across the US that receive “Title I services” is often a language that creates an identity for children that more than likely is not reality. This language influences beliefs about self as learner and about school.

My wonderings for tomorrow and the future are:

• What does it mean to make our programming joyful?
• How does the work we do align with MTSS (Multi-Tiered System of Supports)?
• In what ways do we identify emerging strengths opposed to weakness? How might this look? How do we celebrate opportunities for growth?
• How can we positively “brand” our important work?
• How might our processes be fluid to meet learner needs?
• How might we give more choice and voice to the supplemental supports designed?
• How are supplemental supports authentic?
• In what ways might inquiry be used to support our most striving learners?
• How can supplemental supports be engaging?
• How can we present information and teach in diverse ways so all learners (adults and children) grow and learn?
• How is our instruction and assessment learner-driven? What ownership do children have in the work they are doing in the classroom?

As you may notice, in our language we have chosen to think about the work we do in a positive manner. Some key differences are:

• The use of supplemental supports versus intervention. An intervention is something you do as a last resort… our learners are young. They learn differently and our system needs to celebrate that and realize our job is to support learners to move along this continuum of learning – it is not to identify them early on as “at risk” and label them in a way that shuts them down. In From Striving to Thriving (2017), Harvey and Ward discuss the need to “Table the Labels.” They suggest 5 things that we can do to grow confident capable learners: “Let go of the labels; champion a true growth mindset; encourage empathy; get to know your kids, ASAP; and create conditions for interaction and boundless reading” (p.38). This book goes on to explain that we need an “intervention on interventions.” This is so true. Therefore, let’s not call it intervention – let’s call what we do a supplemental support – we are not RESCUING kids, we are facilitating learning so they can become independent readers, writers, mathematicians, thinkers, etc.
• The use of opportunities for growth instead of weakness, gap, or need. We all have opportunities for growth yet when we label someone as having a weakness or being behind causing the gap we typically then think of all the ways to close the gap – how are we going to fill in those “deficits” whereas if we focus on our opportunities for growth we have now created a space for learning to happen and think about those emerging strengths versus deficits.
• Let’s face it. We are all striving in various ways. So let’s call it striving instead of struggling which has such a negative connotation. You can also say developing or emerging which speak into building an identity. Our entire life we are building who we are, asking the question, “Who am I” and those around us help us answer that question. Just think of the power of our words in the way we describe things can help someone build a positive identity as a reader or a negative identity. Our words can either make or break others. Let’s choose to use those words that build others up.
• And let’s not label someone as doing something good or poorly. Speak into the identity that you are trying to “believe that person into being“. So instead of saying, well good readers do… or good writers… just say, as a writer you will… as a reader you… Look what you just did as a mathematician… Build them up and then nudge a little…

I think about these four things along with the importance of building resilience, nurturing risk taking, and helping learners be comfortable with the uncomfortable… this, along with purposeful language, creates identities and communities for everyone to thrive. So as I think about this meeting tomorrow, I feel as though we are at a crossroads. As a team we have the power to align our programming with our beliefs – our mission, vision and instructional model. We have the power to make a difference and see how we can approach learning with our striving readers, writers, mathematicians, and thinkers in a way that builds confidence, understanding, a love for learning and brings joy to their hearts. Learning should be joyful so our supports need to nurture that joy!